Having a bad day?  Take a moment to forget about your worries and laugh a little.  A few funnies to cheer you up.

Great Endings

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I would like to say thank you to the man upstairs for sending me my Maggie, my very first friend and companion in this war on IC. She has been there for me through thick and thin and has shared both my fears and my triumphs. Thank you Maggie for always being there. This road has been long and scary but a lot brighter thanks to you. I will always be grateful.

Mags and I often put serious thought into signing off our e-mails. So as a tribute to my dear friend I have cut out some of our famous farewells. This is for you kid, through sick and sin. I call this work of art Great Endings!!!!

Signs that you've Had Too Much Of The '2000s

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1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next-door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have-mail addresses.
8. You consider the postal service painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organized is multi colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business-like manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company's sign is attached to Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
18. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
19. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
20. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
21. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
22. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
23. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
24. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
25. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
26. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
27. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
28. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
29. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
30. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
31. As you read this, you think about sending it to your "friends".
32. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

What every man should know...

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In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. Do something she expects, and you don't get any points.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative Pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled Sheets -1

You leave the toilet seatup........................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom. -2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
In the snow +8 But return with beer -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with a six iron. +10
It's her pet -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

PARTY:
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a pal -5
The pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Ferrari -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8DATE) -15

A NIGHT OUT:

You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly -5
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -800

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" You reply, "No" 0
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Any other response -20

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -200

Could you love me like my dog...

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